It’s funny to think now
You’re a thing of the past
A distant memory
That I once thought would last

I cried oceans of tears for you
I begged you please
You bruised me, you broke me
You brought me to my knees

But you did me a favour
When you set me free
See I dodged a bullet
Of complete apathy

Your indifference is deafening
So much louder than words
I wish that it didn’t
But that’s what still hurts

You didn’t give a fuck
About how I would feel
I fell for your charade
When I thought it was real

See it was all about you
Right from the very start
You couldn’t see past yourself
You never cared for my heart

I gave you my all
It still wasn’t enough
And you gave me darkness
When I showed you love

When I think of you now
I feel sorry and sad
That you were too blind
To see the good thing you had

Maybe you don’t deserve it
Maybe you weren’t the one
I know nobody’s perfect
But some things can’t be undone

Well I know you’re not gone
But you might as well be
See you might be alive
But you’re dead to me

Why can’t this be clean
Why can’t we be grown
Can you let me move on
And leave me alone

I’m growing so tired
Of the he said she said
Can we stop with this nonsense
And put it to bed

It’s painful enough
That this didn’t work out
You don’t need to know
What I’m writing about

These so-called friends
Both yours and mine
Need to mind their own business
And we will be fine

This isn’t high school
So let’s all grow up
I don’t want to hear it
I don’t give a fuck

We both know that people
Will say what they say
Don’t give it attention
Or the time of day

You’ve gone and made room
For somebody else
Who might care about me
And not just himself

Being with you is simple
A breath of fresh air
Easy like the mornings
I spent with you there

The conversation flowed
But so did the feels
Cuz it’s hard to find someone
Who keeps it so real

We say the same things
At the same time
You know what I’m thinking
Like you’re reading my mind

You’re not like the others
But neither am I
That’s why I want to be lovers
Till we say goodbye

Maybe it was too much
Maybe it was too fast
Maybe I was dreaming
To think this could last

I can get caught up
I get carried away
But to be honest
You’re the best part of my day

I hate to say this
But I know that it’s true
It’s only sixteen more days
Until I leave you.

This is a segment of something I wrote last September, my last week in Toronto. With my impending departure creeping up and my future with *him* undiscussed and completely uncertain, I just wanted to drink in every possible moment I had left with him. Thinking back to these moments still brings back incredibly vivid memories and all the feels. I can still remember everything about that room in the dark and it still makes my heart ache to think back on those last few days and having to leave him.

And on the last night
You left the door ajar for me
You were fast asleep
I undressed in the dark
Crawled into my side of your bed
You wrapped your arm around me
And I settled into the nook
Between your chest and your shoulder
And I lay awake running my fingers mindlessly over your body
Tracing every edge, crevice, and curve
Committing to memory every inch of you
And feeling your energy
Your warmth
One last time
And I kissed you
As many times as I could without waking you
5 a.m. came too soon
“I’m falling,” I thought,
“I need more time.”
Still half asleep
You kissed me goodbye
Too many times to count

I can still taste your lips
Still feel them pressed on mine
We exchanged soft-spoken words
Carefully chosen
Deliberately casual
I peeled myself away from you
Quietly dressed in the dark
And I walked out of your room
Your home
And your life

Here I am
Fast forward eight days exactly
One hundred ninety two hours
Alone on my side of my bed
Different city
Different time zone
Different life
But I still feel the same
I can still taste your lips
Feel your skin
Hear you breathe
I am still yours.

“You’re going to be with the wrong person sometimes and you’re going to get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to love with the same intensity as you because most people don’t know what they have until it’s gone. And people take people for granted every day, despite how long they’ve been with them, what they’ve done for them, etc. But you shouldn’t change what your heart feels because of that. You shouldn’t let a few lost people direct your path. You love and you do so so effortlessly and that’s a blessing, you know? That’s the kind of gift you want to give to others whether they appreciate it or not.”
-R. M. Drake

I gave you your space
I gave you your time
You said nothing had changed
On your end or mine

But what did you need
I don’t understand
‘Cause I wasn’t privy
To your little plan

You gave me nothing
Left me in the dark
You threw in the towel
And let us fall apart

I get you have issues
Well I have mine too
But I was prepared
To be there for you

I guess that you needed
To do it alone
So lie to yourself
Say you’re fine on your own

It’s a sad little story
Handwritten by you
And you chose our ending
Nothing else I could do

And I put up a fight for you
Begged, pleaded, and cried
But you couldn’t be fought for
No matter how hard I tried

I know I’ll get through this
I know I’ll find my way
With or without you
I’ll get there someday

Maybe you loved me
In your own kind of way
But it wasn’t enough
To convince you to stay

Maybe you loved me
Maybe it didn’t show
Because you never told me
And I didn’t know

I didn’t think that you meant it
Or that you’d thought it through
When you said you were leaving
I didn’t think it was true

See I thought we’d recover
Thought we’d make it work
And I held on so tightly
Despite how much it hurt

I thought we would make it
After all we’d been through
But you couldn’t do it
It was too much for you

You caught me off guard
And it happened so fast
‘Cause I thought what we built
Was destined to last

Maybe you loved me
I guess I’ll never know
But maybe you didn’t
And it’s time to let go.

Everything feels like a dream.

Heartbreak is a strange experience. You never know when the bad days are coming or how long they’ll last. You just gotta try to keep your head above water and hope for the best. It’s like grief of any sort: it comes in waves, increases and decreases in frequency and intensity at what feels like random intervals, can be triggered by things you may or may not expect, and can hit you anywhere at any time.

There are moments I forget I’m hurting. Life carries on, the world keeps turning, time keeps ticking regardless of what is happening inside of your own world. Familiar people, places, and routines can make it feel as though nothing has changed.

Then there are moments I can’t shake the sadness. A song, a phrase, a show, a memory, a place. The feeling envelops me and I just have to let it run its course. And unfortunately, it doesn’t discriminate against any time or place.

The rest of the time I feel as though I’m floating through life in some sort of daze. I just go through the motions, not really conscious of any of the decisions I’m making. I’m basically navigating through life on autopilot. I feel numb, everything is hazy and dreamlike, and at times it’s hard to decipher what is real and what isn’t.

Yet my dreams are so vivid. Most mornings I wake up with a heavy heart and I have to remind myself that none of it was real.

I can’t wait for this part to be over.

My brother came across a quote the other day that resonated with me: “Grief is just love with no place to go.” (unknown)

Damn. Hit me right in the feels.

I know when you’re hurting it can be hard to see the light. But just know that it won’t last forever and you are never alone.

Love y’all.

A

Hello world,

Man. To say it’s been a long time is the understatement of the year. Life is full of ups and downs and when you are an empath like me, you tend to feel absolutely everything from every possible direction. I have had life to contend with for the last few months (years, honestly), but trust that in amongst the chaos there were many incredible memories made.

To be honest, 2015 to 2017 was a bit of a disaster (let’s call it a learning opportunity). I lost my favorite human being on Earth, my father, and endured an emotionally destructive and damaging relationship. Looking back, it really is interesting the uncharacteristic things you do in the midst of grief.

I spent June to late September in Toronto last year, a decision that came about due to a series of unfortunate events, and a decision that changed the course of my life (as decisions tend to do).

I fucked up and fell in love again, this time harder than ever before. So in an effort to redirect the pain, I have been writing again. I have posted a few miscellaneous works based on the rollercoaster of emotions I have been experiencing the last few days. Hopefully you find something in there you can relate to or connect with. Or at the very least, I hope you enjoy the read.

Love y’all.

AW

Please stop pretending
I know you don’t care
You can stop acting
Like one day you’ll be there

I gave you my all
All I had and more
And you took and you took
Till I couldn’t give anymore

See you knew of my past
And what I’d been through
You said you were sorry
But then you did it too

I thought you were different
But you’re all the same
Just a different player
In the same stupid game

I thought I knew better
Than to do this again
Knew I might not recover
If it came to an end

You put me through hell
I excused all you did
Defended your actions
While you put me through shit

You never loved me
You never cared
You took what you wanted
And discarded me there

I hope that you’re happy
Now that you’re on your own
I hope that you’re happy
Forever alone