Being with you is simple
A breath of fresh air
Easy like the mornings
I spent with you there

The conversation flowed
But so did the feels
Cuz it’s hard to find someone
Who keeps it so real

We say the same things
At the same time
You know what I’m thinking
Like you’re reading my mind

You’re not like the others
But neither am I
That’s why I want to be lovers
Till we say goodbye

Maybe it was too much
Maybe it was too fast
Maybe I was dreaming
To think this could last

I can get caught up
I get carried away
But to be honest
You’re the best part of my day

I hate to say this
But I know that it’s true
It’s only sixteen more days
Until I leave you.

This is a segment of something I wrote last September, my last week in Toronto. With my impending departure creeping up and my future with *him* undiscussed and completely uncertain, I just wanted to drink in every possible moment I had left with him. Thinking back to these moments still brings back incredibly vivid memories and all the feels. I can still remember everything about that room in the dark and it still makes my heart ache to think back on those last few days and having to leave him.

And on the last night
You left the door ajar for me
You were fast asleep
I undressed in the dark
Crawled into my side of your bed
You wrapped your arm around me
And I settled into the nook
Between your chest and your shoulder
And I lay awake running my fingers mindlessly over your body
Tracing every edge, crevice, and curve
Committing to memory every inch of you
And feeling your energy
Your warmth
One last time
And I kissed you
As many times as I could without waking you
5 a.m. came too soon
“I’m falling,” I thought,
“I need more time.”
Still half asleep
You kissed me goodbye
Too many times to count

I can still taste your lips
Still feel them pressed on mine
We exchanged soft-spoken words
Carefully chosen
Deliberately casual
I peeled myself away from you
Quietly dressed in the dark
And I walked out of your room
Your home
And your life

Here I am
Fast forward eight days exactly
One hundred ninety two hours
Alone on my side of my bed
Different city
Different time zone
Different life
But I still feel the same
I can still taste your lips
Feel your skin
Hear you breathe
I am still yours.

“You’re going to be with the wrong person sometimes and you’re going to get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to love with the same intensity as you because most people don’t know what they have until it’s gone. And people take people for granted every day, despite how long they’ve been with them, what they’ve done for them, etc. But you shouldn’t change what your heart feels because of that. You shouldn’t let a few lost people direct your path. You love and you do so so effortlessly and that’s a blessing, you know? That’s the kind of gift you want to give to others whether they appreciate it or not.”
-R. M. Drake

I gave you your space
I gave you your time
You said nothing had changed
On your end or mine

But what did you need
I don’t understand
‘Cause I wasn’t privy
To your little plan

You gave me nothing
Left me in the dark
You threw in the towel
And let us fall apart

I get you have issues
Well I have mine too
But I was prepared
To be there for you

I guess that you needed
To do it alone
So lie to yourself
Say you’re fine on your own

It’s a sad little story
Handwritten by you
And you chose our ending
Nothing else I could do

And I put up a fight for you
Begged, pleaded, and cried
But you couldn’t be fought for
No matter how hard I tried

I know I’ll get through this
I know I’ll find my way
With or without you
I’ll get there someday

Maybe you loved me
In your own kind of way
But it wasn’t enough
To convince you to stay

Maybe you loved me
Maybe it didn’t show
Because you never told me
And I didn’t know

I didn’t think that you meant it
Or that you’d thought it through
When you said you were leaving
I didn’t think it was true

See I thought we’d recover
Thought we’d make it work
And I held on so tightly
Despite how much it hurt

I thought we would make it
After all we’d been through
But you couldn’t do it
It was too much for you

You caught me off guard
And it happened so fast
‘Cause I thought what we built
Was destined to last

Maybe you loved me
I guess I’ll never know
But maybe you didn’t
And it’s time to let go.

Everything feels like a dream.

Heartbreak is a strange experience. You never know when the bad days are coming or how long they’ll last. You just gotta try to keep your head above water and hope for the best. It’s like grief of any sort: it comes in waves, increases and decreases in frequency and intensity at what feels like random intervals, can be triggered by things you may or may not expect, and can hit you anywhere at any time.

There are moments I forget I’m hurting. Life carries on, the world keeps turning, time keeps ticking regardless of what is happening inside of your own world. Familiar people, places, and routines can make it feel as though nothing has changed.

Then there are moments I can’t shake the sadness. A song, a phrase, a show, a memory, a place. The feeling envelops me and I just have to let it run its course. And unfortunately, it doesn’t discriminate against any time or place.

The rest of the time I feel as though I’m floating through life in some sort of daze. I just go through the motions, not really conscious of any of the decisions I’m making. I’m basically navigating through life on autopilot. I feel numb, everything is hazy and dreamlike, and at times it’s hard to decipher what is real and what isn’t.

Yet my dreams are so vivid. Most mornings I wake up with a heavy heart and I have to remind myself that none of it was real.

I can’t wait for this part to be over.

My brother came across a quote the other day that resonated with me: “Grief is just love with no place to go.” (unknown)

Damn. Hit me right in the feels.

I know when you’re hurting it can be hard to see the light. But just know that it won’t last forever and you are never alone.

Love y’all.

A

Hello world,

Man. To say it’s been a long time is the understatement of the year. Life is full of ups and downs and when you are an empath like me, you tend to feel absolutely everything from every possible direction. I have had life to contend with for the last few months (years, honestly), but trust that in amongst the chaos there were many incredible memories made.

To be honest, 2015 to 2017 was a bit of a disaster (let’s call it a learning opportunity). I lost my favorite human being on Earth, my father, and endured an emotionally destructive and damaging relationship. Looking back, it really is interesting the uncharacteristic things you do in the midst of grief.

I spent June to late September in Toronto last year, a decision that came about due to a series of unfortunate events, and a decision that changed the course of my life (as decisions tend to do).

I fucked up and fell in love again, this time harder than ever before. So in an effort to redirect the pain, I have been writing again. I have posted a few miscellaneous works based on the rollercoaster of emotions I have been experiencing the last few days. Hopefully you find something in there you can relate to or connect with. Or at the very least, I hope you enjoy the read.

Love y’all.

AW

Please stop pretending
I know you don’t care
You can stop acting
Like one day you’ll be there

I gave you my all
All I had and more
And you took and you took
Till I couldn’t give anymore

See you knew of my past
And what I’d been through
You said you were sorry
But then you did it too

I thought you were different
But you’re all the same
Just a different player
In the same stupid game

I thought I knew better
Than to do this again
Knew I might not recover
If it came to an end

You put me through hell
I excused all you did
Defended your actions
While you put me through shit

You never loved me
You never cared
You took what you wanted
And discarded me there

I hope that you’re happy
Now that you’re on your own
I hope that you’re happy
Forever alone

Many times I have loved
Many times I have lost
I’ve had my heart broken
Disregarded and tossed

But this time was different
It was supposed to be
I loved you so hard
You still didn’t see me

See you can’t love someone
Into loving you too
That’s not how love works
It’s sad but it’s true

When someone’s not ready
You can’t make them see
What you have to offer
Or that it’s meant to be

Don’t go down that road
Or you’ll end up like me
With your heart so shattered
You’ll fall to your knees

I gave you my heart
It was all in your hands
But you didn’t want it
I just don’t understand

So why did you come here
So far away from home
Just to love me and leave me
Broken and alone

You took me for granted
Why couldn’t you stay?
This love’s once in a lifetime
And you threw it away

But you had your demons
I knew nothing about
So you pushed me away
And you shut me out

See none of it matters
Or changes the fact
That I love you completely
But you don’t love me back

I wrote this last night, immediately after a beautiful goodbye. I kept waiting for him to say the words I wanted to hear… but he never did.

He won’t turn around
He’s not coming back
He won’t change his mind
It’s faded to black

Now what’s done is done
And he’s too far gone
Too many words have been said
Too much has gone wrong

When I looked in your eyes
I just hoped that you’d say
That it wasn’t over
That you’d come back to stay

So bring back your things
And take back your key
Say you’ll never leave
You can’t live without me

Can we please just start over
Go back to day one
Back to last summer
And those days in the sun

You’re etched in my heart
I won’t be the same
And it’ll hurt every time
Someone utters your name

I wish you’d come back
But I know that you won’t
I wish that you loved me
And it hurts that you don’t

So I’ll suffer in silence
And dream of your smile
I still sleep in your hoodie
And I will for awhile

I miss all those times
I laughed till I cried
And I miss all those nights
You slept by my side

I miss those blue eyes
How they’d stare into mine
I miss all those moments
Still frozen in time

I miss how you’d kiss me
When we walked in the door
Like you couldn’t wait
Even one second more

I flew out to meet you
No doubt in my mind
That I had to see you
At least one more time

You reached for my hand
As we walked downtown
We picked right back up
Like I’d never left town

Under scaffolding on Bremner
In my old neighborhood
When I lived there last summer
A block from where we stood

Then you came out west
And we drove it together
And we started over
That last day in November

See I gave you a home
And I got you a job
I thought we were a team
But I guess we were not

All the struggles you faced
Guess I won’t understand
But I wanted to be there
Just to hold your hand

And there are still nights
I will always remember
Like when I cried on the floor
On the 8th of December

I gave you my all
And then so much more
But you didn’t want it
It was hard to ignore

Now my heart has been broken
Worse than ever before
So I’ll pick all its pieces
Up off the floor

I wish you had told me
To just take it slow
That you weren’t ready
That you didn’t know

But I’d still do it all over
And over again
Good lord did I love you
All the way to the end

I hope that one day
You wake up and see
All the ways I have loved you
All that you had in me

I hope you are thankful
For all that I’ve done
Just know that I’m sorry
That I wasn’t the one

In some other life
Or some other time
Maybe we’ll find each other
Maybe you will be mine